This Easter I shall be emerging from my slime-hung cave to attend Helicon 2002 on the bee-yootiful island of Jersey. My good lady-wife Lou will be accompanying me, and although I won’t be sitting on any panels, because I invariably end up blathering incomprehensibly and making an idiot of myself when I do, I will be swanning around the hotel, meeting, greeting, eating and possibly even bleating, should the urge take me. If you know me, or even if you don’t, and you want to come up and say hello and have a chat and perhaps (if you think you’ve caught me in a munificent mood) cadge a drink, then by all means feel free to do so.

On a weirder but maybe more amusing note, here is a list of various search engine keywords that have somehow directed web-users to this very site. Some of them are ridiculous, some of them are strange, and just a few are rather worrying. I mean, who, for God’s sake, would input “knife belly guts girl” or “castrati fat” into a search engine? And what, when it’s at home, is a “plastic window cleaner plexus”?

Search Engine Keywords: cucumber fucking; castrati picture; disembowelling her; egg puns; film extract porn; knife belly girl guts; marmaduke the little red lorry books; plastic window cleaner plexus; cunt fucked; emotional cripple definition of; castrati fat; whitewashed brick fireplace; no hair twat; scissors cutting panties; teenage boys and white socks; dumas chamberpot; over inflated inflatable doll; man cunt; gold tooth muscle; formaldehyde picture jar; monochrome green theme for windows; cylinder liner cross hatching; jolly cunt; teenage boys wearing trainers; how much can i earn driving a lorry; mons veneris; hotel lift creaky; impenetrable cunt; cunt sizes and shapes; her new arm; fucking cucumber; porn star gets head shaved.

All I can hope is that some of these visitors, having inadvertently found their way here, will choose to satisfy their curiosity, or else assuage their disappointment, by going out and buying one of my books…